Getting Hazed at the Pentagon

I've mentioned that I'm often looking for new work projects, etc. This week my search took me to The World's Largest Office Building:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pentagon

 The Pentagon.

I ended up heading to this massive symbol of our nation's defense capabilities not once but twice this week on my lunch break on back-to-back days to chat with people about potentially working with them. And my imagination took over as usual and I couldn't help but wonder if I was being tested beyond just interviews.

First test: Physical Endurance
My first meeting was with a nice female officer who picked me up in the lobby and quickly began to whisk me to the Subway restaurant inside the building:

For those of you who have never visited the Pentagon, there is a giant mall inside with everything from Starbucks' (yes, more than one) to clothing stores to dental offices. You literally could live there for days without ever leaving the building. Which is probably both a good and bad thing for those who work there. 

Up ramps, up stairs, down several hallways -- in my heels. All while getting asked questions.

I heard myself trying to answer while simultaneously gasping a little and immediately thought "she's testing me! I'm not in shape enough!"

Jump to the next day, when I'm slightly more prepared for the trek and I'm wearing worn-in heels (I'm sorry, I'm not wearing flats with my interview suit, even if the meeting is taking place is the dang Himalayas...) And that day I'm meeting two different people. So me and the first guy take off and start walking....and walking....forever...

Until finally he asks "do you want to sit or just keep walking?" And surprisingly my heels still feel fine so I bravely say "we can keep walking!"

And then I immediately regret that decision.

My feet start to kill me and we finally get to the next guy's office (up several floors) but he's not there. So the guy I'm with says "hmm, I wonder if he thought he was meeting you in the lobby?"

And that's when I died a little inside as I pictured the marathon distance between me and said lobby and how I was either going to have to crawl, or walk barefoot in the headquarters of the U.S. Department of Defense, to get back there.

Then thankfully the next guy finally walks in. Phew.

Second test: Being on time
Going back to the first day- knowing that there's a security process in order to get into this place, I arrive half an hour early for my meeting and proceed to feel smug when I get past the metal detectors and situate myself in the lobby well before my escort showed up.

That half-hour buffer failed me on the second day, however.

I arrive in time to see a line about, oh, 127 times the length of the line the day before and I walk up to join the end of it and hear people say "this is the worst I've ever seen security!"

Crap.

Am I being tested? Punctuality seems like kind of a big deal to the military. I'm so getting judged for this...

Third test: Rank
I assume members of the military don't expect civilians to automatically understand rank but I try to fit into my surroundings regardless. This is extra confusing, however, because the men I'm meeting that day are also technically my colleagues. (They both work for my company but they also serve "part-time" in the Navy.)

So my first meeting was with a Navy lieutenant-commander and my meeting after that was with a Captain (which is a fairly high rank in the Navy, although it's not as high in the Army. Confused yet? Me too.) And to top it all off, both men are the same "rank" as I am at my consulting firm. But they just happened to be wearing their navy "hats" on this day, leaving me to wonder what "hat" I should wear - do I call you by your first name like I would at our company? Do I call you by your title? Do you say the full "lieutenant-commander" phrase or is it just "lieutenant?" Just "commander"? Should I shout out individual letters like I'm a rapper? "L -T- C! in the hooow-use!" (I did not choose that one)

(and before my military friends jump in to inform me, I now know it's just "commander.")

I went with just trying not to address them directly at all.

Yet another test.

Final test: Sound mind
In addition to worrying about what I look like, my punctuality, how heavily I'm breathing while walking, and whether or not I accidentally refer to someone as "Captain Joe Commander Lieutenant," I also start to notice things that make me feel like I'm being punk'd.

First, all my meetings were in random food areas -- does no one use conference rooms around here? Am I being watched?

Then, the first guy (during our ridiculously long walk that I foolishly agreed to) walks me all the way down to one of the Starbucks in the basement, then we find a table in a nice little corner of a food court area. Then, when we go all the way back up a couple floors to hand me off to the next man upstairs in his office, that next man immediately asks if I'd mind-

- if we go down to the food court.

Sigh.

So here I go again, and we go to the exact same Starbucks I was just at, and we go to - I kid you not - nearly the exact same table in the food court that I just sat at with the last guy. This place covers 583 acres, how the heck do I keep ending up in the exact same corner? Are they testing my observation skills? Is that particular corner bugged for interviews?

In the end, I'm sure all of this paranoia was in my own head and the only thing they likely judged me on was my personality and ability to sound halfway intelligent (which we can all agree should also cause me concern, but I digress) but it made for a fun break in the day in any case.

And of course any day I get to spend with men in uniform...

is clearly a good day to me, hazing or not.

Repost, because it's just so fitting.

I still need to write the last post in my Iraq trip recap, but with school and holiday weekends and everything else, I just haven't had time yet. I have, however, continued to have some ridiculous days where I can't even believe how many little things can go weird which always reminds me of the tagline on this blog so I figured I'd repost this until I can get back to writing on here. Enjoy. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What's with Today, today?

So, obviously I love this quote, since it's my tagline. And for those of you who have not seen the movie Empire Records, it's from a scene where one of the characters asks another, "what's WITH you today??" and he replied (in a dreamy/stoner "higher level of thinking" sort of way) "what's with TODAY, today?..." Which makes me laugh and it fits perfectly with my life because I so often get caught in the throws of Murphy's Law and think "what is HAPPENING to me today??"

Like yesterday!

I was working from home and planned to attend a large meeting at a fancy hotel nearby at 4:00pm. But, per usual, I'm trying to answer one more email and take one more call before heading out. And I'm hungry, and I'm in my weekly race with my groceries where I have to eat meals like - a cup of milk, a bottle of acai juice, something involving bread, and a zuchini, before all those things spoil simulataneously.

Yesterday's concerning food items were my sweet potatoes.

So I'm "baking" (microwaving) one to throw brown sugar on and eat on the way, and I'm still on a call, still on my email, and someone tells me they want to have a call with me at 4:30.

Fine. I'll go into my meeting, then slip out and take the call.

Then I realize it's 10 minutes until 4:00. And the evening proceeds roughly as follows:

3:50: I'm driving too fast WHILE EATING A SWEET POTATO, and trying to stay cool with Air Conditioning because I do NOT want to have to wash this dress after wearing it for just a couple hours. And I have to find the hotel. And I can't find it. Then I do find it, find parking, and get out to pay the meter.

4:06: my wallet vomits coins all inside my purse.

Backstory: the day before yesterday, I was cleaning out a purse and found a TON of change in the bottom, so I put it in my wallet, FORCE the wallet closed, and plan to move it to the change pouch I have in my car. And I think to myself "this is totally a bad plan and this thing is going to burst open and dump in my OTHER purse"... 

Sigh.

4:07 I pay the meter, start sweating (No! My Dress!!!) and walk back down the mound of dirt around one of the trees lining the sidewalk, towards my car.

4:08 I fall down that mound of dirt.

Slide down it really, it was pretty much in slow motion - you know, so the MAXIMUM amount of people around could catch the sight.

4:09 I get up, stifle laughter, grab my stuff and head towards the hotel. And I look down just to make sure my dress hasn't like POPPED OPEN or something in the fall.

And it IS untied.

But nothing drastic, I'm still half-way presentable, and I still have faith it will make it another wear before washing. So I re-tie and enter the hotel.

4:13 I see a registration table for an event. And before I reach the table, I'm already loudly asking "Is this for [name of event]?" and the lady WHISPERS! that it is.

Oooooh. The door BESIDE that table leads to the event.

And it's open.

4:20 Dana just now walks into her 4:00 event...after possibly announcing her own presence.

4:21 I sit, try not to make too much noise, bend down to change out of my "walking flip flops" into my heels -

and see dirt all over the side of my foot.

Craaaaap. I had looked at my DRESS but forget to check my SKIN after that fall.

Thankfully, dirt was NOT covering my entire leg, like I then assumed it was. And I think, again, "it's ok, I'm STILL half-way presentable, it's fine." And I proceed to pay attention to the meeting -- except every few minutes I have to stifle laughter again because I get an image of myself falling down that stupid dirt mound.

And then I get an email that my 4:30 call is now at 6:30. Excellent! Now I don't have to walk right back out- the day is looking up!

6:00 The event ends, and I go up to talk to a senior manager, then I hit the restroom, where I glance at the mirror:

And it looks like I have a faint black eye.

Apparently, in my haste to put on eye shadow, I didn't realize some of it had fallen under my eye. Lovely, now my manager thinks I've recently been in a fist fight. Forget it! I'm going to Target....

6:30 I call my 4:30 call in the parking lot of Target - and get a voicemail.

6:31 I go IN Target, because I need something.

6:35 somewhere in the Sports Bras, my 4:30 call -calls.

Oh HI! Sure, this is still a great time to talk! No, no there are NOT people shopping for bras next to me, that's just silly...

And the call goes fine, the lady never actually realizes I'm in Target, and all is well. And I stop to get gas on my way home.

And the gas tank doesn't work.

So I'm sweating again, and pull into ANOTHER tank, get out, and get gas.

7:06 I realize - this dress is SO going in the wash....

7:15 I finally get home and decide to replace the belt on my vacuum. Then I burn the new belt immediately. Then put ANOTHER one on.

And start to suck up a TENNIS. SHOE.

The vacuum grabbed the lace and started trying to EAT IT, then started SMOKING before I could even hit the Off button. Which left my apartment smelling like burnt rubber, and left me wondering:

What was WITH today??

Event Conclusion

I know I still owe you the last post of my Japan adventure, but first I'll finish telling you how my recent work event concluded.

The third morning started around 6:00am. I had one of our biggest speakers showing up about 8:30 and had some other meetings and side events before that happened.

The speaker showed up sooner than expected, he and his entourage driving straight into the building through a back entrance in two black Suburbans.

I love when that happens.

So me and my client rush over to shake his hand and I fall in line walking right behind him, and right in front of the biggest security guard you've ever seen.

And I'm so in the zone that I don't even see the giant guard at all. As in, after the event was over, my coworker commented on how large this man was and I didn't know who he was talking about. It wasn't until I saw a photo later of us all marching down the secret back hallway that I realized who I'd slid right in front of in my effort to keep pace with the speaker:

I should probably work on my observation skills....

Anyway, we start to prepare everything backstage and begin the program.

And the entire program ends up including:

1, a total of four sex jokes told from the stage, some made by a former cabinet member and some made by a former governor...

2. one of the event staff having to squat down in front of the stage - in front of thousands of people in the audience -- and tell a tycoon that his time was up

3. a prominent politician deciding he needed to use the bathroom right as he should've been going on stage

I was not pleased. I had finally gotten that speaker up the stairs and into the capable hands of my staff behind the curtain and as I'm breathing a sigh of relief -- back down the stairs he marches, right past my shocked and confused face while I'm stammering "him...supposed to be on stage...right now!" and my team member just looks at me and says "He has to use the bathroom...." and we both stare in horror at the speaker disappearing into a dressing room. And then I hear the backstage staff squawking in my earpiece about needing him on stage and all I can do is say "yep, I realize that...." 

4. a prominent senator showing up over 30 minutes late because their driver got lost

That ended up messing with our program so badly that my client later described what we went through next as the I Love Lucy scene in the chocolate factory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnbNcQlzV-4

Except instead of chocolates, we were frantically trying to fit all our other speakers in at different times and every time we tried to move one, it seemed we would lose another one, so we'd try something else, and the cycle went on for awhile...

"...If we move X back, he won't make his meeting at the White House..."

"... well we can't move Y up because her flight doesn't land in time..."

"...could we throw these two people together up on stage?..."

"...do we have to let our boss speak?...."

Slippery little devils, those chocolates. I mean speakers.

5. We had to get one of our speakers toast with salt.

When I'm famous and powerful, I'm totally asking for more interesting stuff than red M&Ms, hot food, and salty toast.

"Yes, Miss Dana will need a bounce house and a hibachi grill in her dressing room please. Thanks."

6. I saw two different adults dancing backstage from nervousness. One of them was my client.

I'm sure I'm forgetting countless other things we endured but my brain is fried and I can't think of them all. I will, however, tell you what happened when I went to take Chloe back home.

Do you remember in my first post on this event where I said I visited our venue twice in the same day the day before our event started?

So about that.....

The night before our event ended, I knew I needed to deliver my contraband feline back to our apartment because I'd need to check out of my room the next morning and I'd have no place to store her for the rest of the day until the event ended.

So late Tuesday night, I shove Chloe back into her carrier and make my way out into the cold to locate my car.

And my feet hurt. And it's raining. And Chloe is bouncing around in essentially a pink duffel bag with airholes.

We are pathetic.

And I take the elevator all the way to the top of the parking garage, because I distinctly remember having to park up there because the cheerleader invasion had taken up every other floor back when I first arrived.

When I first arrived, that is, the first time. I completely forgot that I went back home after that, and the second time ...that I first arrived... I parked on the bottom floor. Confused? So was I.

And I told you HERE about how my car was stolen back in the day. Well, the latent effects from that have been extra paranoia around my car. Every time I can't find it -- I immediately think it's been stolen (it's usually been towed. ahem.) So when I can't find my car in the garage, I get slightly panicked.

And it's late, and it's dark, and there's no one around except a scary looking van parked on the floor I'm on, and my feet hurt and I have a cat sloshing in a duffel bag on my hip.

In other words -- I'm done.

So first, I set Chloe down and look around the immediate area, up one floor, down one floor, and my feet can't take it anymore and I'm picturing myself getting kidnapped by whoever owns that van. So I call my vendor.

She assures me the hotel would not have towed it and she can hear in my voice that I'm panicked so she sends out hotel security to pick me up.

Great. So much for hiding my cat.

I'm so tired, I let the security guy come for me. I move Chloe back into the elevator bank and I just sit down on the floor, in my suit and my pearls and I wait to be rescued.

And the guard comes and I stuff Chloe in his backseat, I sit down in the front and I explain why I know for sure that my car was on the top because I distinctly remember having to go up every floor because of the dang cheerleaders on Sunday morni....

Oh. Crap.

And that's when I realize I parked in a different spot Sunday night.

I immediately begin apologizing profusely. "I'm SO sorry, it's been a long week, and I was scarred from having my car stolen a decade ago, and....and...."

And the guard is so great and tells me this happens a lot (I doubt it) and says "hey, I have to work until 11pm regardless" so he doesn't care how he spends that time.

And we get back down to the first floor and I get ready to start thanking him profusely and he just turns and smiles and says "this was fun!"

I may have just had a date with the security guard.

Doesn't matter! He didn't say anything about Chloe and I can finally drive her to my apartment, turn in my homework while I'm there since I couldn't get the internet to work for me in my hotel room (of course), and get back to my fluffy hotel bed and my belching Shrek wake up call.

And on my drive back I decide to treat myself to a McDonald's ice cream cone on the exit back to the hotel. And I bite into that ice cream:

and find a piece of plastic in it.

You can't make this stuff up....

So I throw the ice cream out, give up on the day, finish my event, chocolate factory moments and all, and mark another work adventure down in the history books.

Aaaand exhale.

I'm Back!

Hello Internet!
My 40 day hiatus from social media is over. And as I told a friend who was lamenting my absence, just because I wasn't reporting on weird stuff in my life, doesn't mean it wasn't happening. Let's just discuss yesterday.

My company laptop has not let me log on all week so I spend over two days getting the run-around from our "help" desk without actually getting any thing resembling help. I finally ask to speak to a manager and finally a tech calls me and tells me I can either keep waiting for someone else to call me who is closer to my job - or - I can just drive way out in Virginia during rushhour the next morning (yesterday) and he himself will fix it.

Even though I'd rather have thorns stuck under my fingernails than drive out to this place that time of day, I feel like I need to pounce on this guy's offer. So I do and after an awkward hour of him telling me repeatedly how busy he is and how some days he just wants to kill himself and that the only thing that keeps him going is his music --
and he proceeds to turn on a cross between smooth jazz and R&B love mix -- he finally tells me my laptop is fixed and releases me to then get back into heinous traffic to go to my client site back up in D.C. And what do I get just as soon as I get back in my car?

A voicemail.

From another tech.

Not even a block from my client site.

Saying they can take a look at my computer now.

Grrrr. Whatever, at least it's fixed. So I finally get to my office and make it through the rest of the morning and go down to the foodcourt to grab lunch. And I'm carrying a purse that until recently smelled like a giant Cigar because I ended up at a place called Shelly's a few days ago where rich men in this city rent humidors and keep their cigars there so they can smoke them while talking about how powerful and awesome they are.
I happened to be there with a man I met on a bridge several months ago.

And now I'm just gunna leave that story there where it's good and confusing.

The point of bringing that up at all was to say that just being in that place made everything I was wearing - including my own skin, hair, teeth, eyelids.... - reek of cigar. My purse smelled for several days but FINALLY it had stopped.

Which brings us back to yesterday when I bought lunch at a sandwich place. And put my food in my purse.

Backstory: I lived the first 13 years of my life in the Pacific Northwest around Burkenstocks-wearing, tree-hugging hippies who recycled before recycling was cool. I've never lost a faint urge to recycle (even after it became cool and the smug part of me wanted to stop recycling because everyone is doing it now so it's no longer cool! Like listening to Kings of Leon....) But I do still enjoy a good tryst with conservationism every now and then so I rarely use disposable bags. If I don't have a cloth reuasable bag, I'll just throw whatever I purchase in my purse. Like my sandwiches.

I order a sandwich and then see the giant jar of giant pickles they have on the counter. So after I tell my "sandwich artist" what all I want on my sandwich, I add "and can I get a big pickle?" And the 12 year old boy in my head always smirks at that sentence and I assume other people have their own 12 year old boys in their heads so I say it kind of quietly - and the artist doesn't hear me. So then I say it again, and then make a gesture with my hands to further explain the item I'm asking for. And the artist laughs a little and assures me that "he heard me that time" as if to say "you really didn't need to embarrass yourself with that gesture just now."

Sigh. So then I pay for my items, toss them in my purse like a good hippie's-neighbor, and head back to my office.

And realize the pickle wasn't wrapped well enough and has leaked out in the bottom of my purse. So now my purse FINALLY stopped smelling like cigar smoke, only to start smelling like pickle juice.

And that's how my week ended.

Yep, not much changed in the last 40 days :)

Another Look Into A Typical Day

Since I've started sharing on here about all of the weird stuff that happens to me (like the explanation of my tagline Here) friends have started randomly texting me that they just went through something weird - and they thought of me. And how that must be how I feel every day. So just to prove their hunch correct, I think it's time for another:

Break Down of a Typical Dana Day.

I give you: Yesterday.

8:00 am - I take Chloe to the vet because she refuses to stop expressing her feelings to me by leaving messages on my rugs each day. In urine.

8:45- Chloe gets prescribed Kitty Prozac. And I think she should share.

9:15 - Chloe and I get stuck in standstill traffic, making me even later for work.

9:20 - I find out there's an accident on the interstate and feel thankful I'm about to exit for my apartment.

9:30 - I exit for my apartment -- and see emergency vehicles are also off my exit. For another issue. I'm never getting to work today...

9:35 - I realize I'm nearly out of gas and I pull into the gas station across the street from my place - and find out none of their pumps work due to a storm several days ago.

9:40 - I drive to the next gas station and begin to feel less in control of my patience. Exclamations may have been made.

9:45 - Two pumps are full, one doesn't work - I drive into the last one. And realize there's a hand written note saying it's not currently taking credit cards.

9:46 - I ask the man on the other side if his pump takes cards. He said he doesn't know because this is the first time he's been there.

Um...is this also the first time you've used a gas pump in the U.S.? Because pretty much all of them have a credit card machine in front of your face.

9:47 - I get in line behind the man's pump after looking for my dang self and seeing that the card machine was in fact working.

9:48 - I inexplicably hit the "yes I want a receipt" button even though I never do that.

9:57 - my pump finishes -- and tells me I have to go inside to get my receipt.

Sigh.

9:58 - I'm inside - there's no one else.

9:59 - A lady pulls up behind my car and watches in confusion while I walk around and nearly start to pull my own receipt off the machine behind the counter, causing the gas station guy to finally walk in to help me.

10:00 - the lady gives up and tries to maneuver her car around to the other set of pumps. Unsucessfully.

10:01 - Finally armed with my receipt, I get in my car -- and now have to wait for the lady to Austin Powers her car back and forth in front of me before I can leave the gas station.

10:02 - I start laughing uncontrollably at the obsurdity of it all and realize I'm going to just have to take vacation hours this a.m. because I'm not getting to work anytime soon.

The rest of my day goes by fairly normally until it's time for me to head to class. And this is always stressful because class is at 5:15 which is nearly impossible to get to on time because I get stuck at work with stuff at the end of the day.

4:30 pm: I'm fleeing my desk to get to the train and I get a text from CVS - that my cat's new drug habit is ready to be supported.

Dang it. Forgot about that. And tomorrow's a holiday. And I just took off work to get this cat issue fixed - she is taking those drugs dang it.

4:31 - I stop by the ladies' room on my run to CVS. And I'm checking a text message and simultaneously get a call that I accidentally answer because my finger is already on the phone screen. And answering the call is fine, except I'm in a public restroom, frantically tranistioning between work ---> cat drug deal --->class. So the person on the other line probably thinks I sound crazy and the person in the bathroom with me definitely thinks I sounds crazy.

4:45 - I accidentally take the elevator all the way down to my garage out of habit, when I realize I'm not getting my car, I'm getting on the metro train. After I get drugs. I'm never getting to class today....

5:15 - I'm now running down the street towards class with cat drugs in my purse.


11:00 pm - I finally get home, after class and meeting up with an old friend, just in time to realize I had committed earlier in the day to going tubing down a river the next day - and forgot I still have stitches on my rear end.

And then I fall asleep. And get ready for whatever craziness will come tomorrow...

More Post-Event Memories

I just paid off my car. AKA the Mustang after the Mustang that my Insurance company bought me after the Mustang that got stolen, after ...

The Camaro.

Which looked like this:

*Angelic Choir Sings*

But I digress. The reason I mention the car is when I think about the relief I feel now that I no longer have a payment, I immediately think of the next car-related expense I have, which is a set of new tires.

How do I know this?

Because I'm getting nails in them.

Yes getting as in continually, and nails as in plural nails. Happened more than once.

And guess when the second time it happened was? Yep! Right in the middle of the crazy stressful lead-up to my Big Event where rich and famous people caused my stomach to eat itself here.

And, true to form, Murphy's Law governed many more incidents in that crazy stressful time period besides me having to schlep out Further Into Virginia than I prefer, to hear an auto guy say "Welp, looks like ya got another one then!" while pointing at my tire after I told him I just HAD a nail removed and patched.

Sigh.

So other mishaps during that Crazy Stressful time:

I, and often my staff and clients, worked late into the nights at my office, whose lighting systems - and occasionally computers -- shut down automatically around 10:00 pm.

How convenient! I may or may not have continued to peck away in the dark like a sad little creature...more than once....and I may have had to use the light of my iPhone to find my car keys....definitely not one of my finer professional moments.

But in addition to that joy, the last few days before The Event, the FIRE ALARM started systematically going off around 9pm each night as well! What fun!

The first time it happened, I feigned gathering my things but looked around to see if any other loser was going to put safety first. No one did. So I sat back down. (kinda like when I was an intern here and wouldn't leave the White House during 9/11. I obviously have very poor self-preservation instincts and fall squarely into that elusive category of people who would, in fact, jump off a bridge if Everybody Was Doing It.)

The next few times it happened no one blinked an eye. We'd simply pause while it went off, then continue our conversations. You know, until people left and I ended up typing away by myself in the dark.

In addition to all that loveliness, one day, during the week leading up to The Event, my BADGE stopped working to get me into our office. Neat! Now when I'm here alone from 7-10pm, I can't use the bathroom since that requires exiting and re-entering my work space! I started to once again feel like I was being Punk'd when finally someone told me the badge swipee thing was broken and that nobody's badges were working. Phew! At least it's not just me! That should provide comfort when I can not use the bathroom in that 3 hour block later this evening.....

Moving onto the Actual Event, we see Murphy's Law striking me yet again when I show up on The Day That One Former President Guy Arrives, and --

I forgot to put on deodorant.

The day where I will absolutely be stressed and running back hallways. The day where I meet several more famous people. The day that is the last day of our Event and which rolls into the night everyone has an after-party where it is encouraged to RIDE A MECHANICAL BULL! (that is a story for another time...)-

THAT IS THE DAY I FORGET TO WEAR DEODORANT.

It made me feel slightly disheveled and reminded me of the time one of my best DC friends was supporting the 2nd Inauguration for George W. Bush. I attended one of the Inaugural Balls, and I see her spastically approaching me. Her hair was haphazardly pulled up, she had on her glasses - which is unusual - and


she wasn't wearing shoes.


The thing that came out of her mouth?

 "I've lost Condi!"

As in -- Condoleeza Rice, the then National Security Advisor to the President and future Secretary of State.

Ha! That image always makes me laugh. Or at least used to, before I became the girl that quite easily could've ran up to her and said: "I'm herding a President all morning - AND I'M NOT WEARING DEODORANT!"

Not as funny when the shoe's on the other foot I suppose. Although, to be fair, I at least still HAD shoes...just not anti-perspirant.

Then, at some point during the event, we discover that the event down the hall from ours had Reese Witherspoon speaking and some of my staff ran into her in the halls! Seriously, at that point, if I had run into her I wouldn't have batted an eye. "Oh hi, Reese, of course you are here in the middle of all this randomness and chaos. Might you have some deodorant I could borrow?...."

Things You Didn't Care to Know About Me This Past Week (but gosh darnit, you're going to hear them anyway)

-I did finally make it back to Fitness Boot Camp and the next day, my body felt like it was painfully turning to stone. We had done sit ups combined with shoulder presses with weights at one point, and since the extent of my normal workout of core plus arms usually consists of holding myself upright in my office chair while putting a coffee cup to my mouth, this was a shock to my system. So the next day, I felt like I was walking in a weird hunched over yet forward-propelling stance all day. Very attractive.

-I also wore makeup that is too dark for my now winter-pasty face but I didn't realize this until it was too late, causing me to look like a very determined hunchbacked Oompa Loompa.

-Then, as I was trudging through my office, I caught a glimpse of some conference room chairs that had a 1960's pattern and I instantly got "Sunshine Day!" from the Brady Brunch stuck in my head.

-So now I'm slouched over, purple-faced and possibly swaying unconsciencely to "everybody's smiling! sunshine DAAA-AAY!..."

-To make me feel even more insane, I kept running into people at my office who look like famous people to me. It always throws me off when I pass them in the halls. One guy looks like the flamboyant reporter from Ugly Betty:

One looks (and acts) like a snotty Lindsay Lohan, and one looks like:

Joel Osteen.


So now, I'm walking through the halls, viewing myself as a swaying, hunched-over yet determined Ooompa-loompa

and I get bombarded with either this:

this:

 or this:

And no one is in my head to appreciate it. Sigh.

The week also held other unfortunate incidents. One day, I wore a shirt that was apparently transparent but I didn't realize that until after I was at work (to which my friend offered: "well, it's not terrible, but next time maybe wear a prettier bra-?"

Thanks.

Another day, I get to the office and realize I have cat hair covering my pants, so I end up having to slap scotch tape repeatedly over the length of both my legs while trying to hold conversations about which Congressman are attending the Summit I'm planning. Very professional.

At some point during the week, I misplaced my driver's license.

And the BEST part was when I got back from a chilly 4.5 mile jog, tossed my house key into my front door so I could run down to my mailbox, and when I return:

No House Key In Sight.

I. Freak. Out.

I convince myself that in the 58 seconds it took for me to get my mail, someone ran into my apartment, grabbed my key, and was either waiting for me in my place or waiting to enter it later using the key.

I won't even tell you how long I stood there trying to figure this out, all the while continuing to peak out the door or open a closet really fast to "surprise" whoever might be in there. I was about to call a friend to come be with me in my meltdown when I realized my neurotic cat was still on her normal perch in the living room so surely no one had come in or she would've ran for cover, like usual.

Which meant the key HAD to be there.

I finally got a flash light and looked under my dishwasher - and sure enough, the key had hit my kitchen tile at precisely the right angle to slide directly under the worst possible thing in my apartment.

I also found old receipts, a tube of chap stick, and several cat toys under there though, so we're gunna call that a win and start fresh this week.

The End.

Murphy, is there really no one else you can torment?

I've mentioned that I'm a victim of Murphy's Law quite frequently:

Murphy's Law (from Wikipedia): an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong".

I fear if I continue to tell about days like I had here, people will either stop believing me, or they'll grow tired of my schtick and only pay attention again if I one day have a post that simply says:

Today, nothing weird happened. At all.

And then everyone would start reading again because "did you hear that nothing happened to Dana? That is CRAZY!"

Sigh. But I promise, "What's With Today, today?" is the rule of my life and "nothing weird happened" is absolutely the exception.

I give you- Exhibit A: This Week.

I told you I was on the hunt for a new work project and I finally started one this Monday. Which, of course, always involves a learning curve - new coworkers, new clients, new people at the office you have to learn to watch out for, like the guy who told me he wanted to BITE MY HAND on a project a couple years ago...

You know, normal office stuff.

And you know how I had crazy computer issues a couple weeks ago? And met the hippies with the shark tooth here? Well hang with me; this is going to get convoluted ...

TWO WEEKS AGO: my personal computer got a virus and freaked out - when I was trying to turn in homework. The Geek Squad at Best Buy charged me nearly $200 to fix it but they added an anti-virus thingy (I already had tried TWO other ones....) and gave me a year's warranty and said I was good to go.

TWO NIGHTS AGO: I GOT THE SAME %*@#*$% VIRUS....also while trying to turn in homework. Seriously!? So my personal laptop had to go back to the Geeks.

Meanwhile, my work laptop is older than Betty White and not only takes 3 years to do anything, but sometimes it just freezes up for no reason. So I finally got my company to give me a new one, but I was told I needed to run out to one place to pick it up, then run out to a different place to have my data transferred.

YESTERDAY: I was only supposed to work a half day on my new project - but they ended up asking me to help longer...after I was already on my way to:

-Best Buy to drop off my personal laptop

-somewhere in Northern Virginia to get my new work laptop

-and the GAS STATION across the street to get my State Inspection done on my car....

....Why was that urgent you ask? Because I've now had two tickets for not updating my inspection and I could no longer plan my life around whether or not my car would have to be parked somewhere vulnerable to VA Police...

This is so how my life works.

So now I'm trying to do work in between all these things I'd meant to do in the morning - when I wasn't supposed to work - but it's really hard to do work ...with no computer.

And typically I'd get work emails on my personal blackberry -- but that recently stopped working too.

Again - so typical.

So after I get my inspection done, I get back to my house and continue trying to work on my dinosaur computer as much as I can until I get my new work laptop. And I walk in - and realize my fly was down the entire time I was at the gas station.

Sigh.

Then I head out to pick up my new work laptop and the following things occur:

-I try to put the Best Buy receipt for my other laptop in my car's console, while I'm driving. The console will not open. I finally yank it open at a stop light and realize I had shut it on the cord that ghetto-rigs my iPod into my radio. Ugh.

-I try to lean back and relax - and bang my knee on my steering wheel, painfully realizing we also have funny bones in our knees. I believe the State Inspection guy moved my seat up. Ugh.

-My wallet falls in the floor - and vomits coins AGAIN.

-I swerve to avoid what looks like a big rock - and I hit said rock and it makes a noise as if it just gutted the undercarriage of my car. Ugh.

-I get back and realize I may have accidentally thrown away a $25 gift certificate that was lying on my front seat. Ugh.

-but that was only AFTER I can't even GET IN MY GARAGE for a bit because some man has LEFT HIS CAR with THE DOORS OPEN in the driveway, blocking me and another car from getting in. I would've just started laughing at that point but I was too busy wishing him a painful death.

...now TODAY:

I go into D.C. to have my data transferred to my new work laptop by a nice IT guy from my company.

I come back and realize my fly was down.

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP PEOPLE.

I then proceed to dig through my trash for that $25 gift certificate, then go back out to my car:

And find the gift certificate.

I also find - THE SHARK'S TOOTH (aaand we've come full circle) which I guess had fallen out of my wallet when it vomited on my floorboard. Somewhere, there are two hippies laughing...

Later, I start to go for a run and remember my left tennis shoe now has a hole in the heel and hard plastic is sticking out. I go to find my other pair - they have THE SAME(!)PROBLEM. Which means I now have to spend about an hour and a half BUYING SHOES so I can run for about 50 minutes.

So then, frankly, I was a little scared to run, because who KNOWS what would happen next??

(thankfully nothing happened and I'm now blogging to procrastinate trying to work on homework. Let's hope I don't get another virus...)

UGH.

Disaster Prone

If you've followed this blog at all, you know that one recurring theme in my life is -- disaster. In fact, that was my first sentence in my essay to get into grad school. "I'm disaster-prone." (it was supposed to get attention and it must've worked because they let me in. Either that, or they felt sorry for me and let me in for that...I'll take it either way.)

So besides the national disasters I've been intimately involved in -9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Swine Flu, Oil Spill....- I also incur little disasters. Sometimes I think my presence may even create them in other people's lives. (I had someone recently blame me for the fact that his phone stopped receiving texts after he texted me and that his computer stopped working while instant messaging me. If only I could harnass that power and use it to sabotage every guy who's ever rejected me...)

And I can't tell you the number of times I finish a project at work and people say "that was totally not the normal way these things go - that was crazy." And I've had more than one boss who people will hear the name of and give me an "OH GOSH" face, like "YOU worked for THEM?? And lived?!?"

I'm a magnet.

So one time recently, I was working from home and did not leave except to drive to my bank. I get there at 3 pm, thinking they surely don’t close until 4. I pull in behind an SUV along the street. That car then proceeds to EXIT his spot, and I guess the fact that I was behind him threw him off (I promise I didn’t park too close, I parked the normal distance of parellelisms) because he started to back up, then IMMEDIATELY pulled up-

INTO the car in front of him.

And I felt so awkward because I kind of felt responsible, even though this guy had plenty of space and clearly just made a bad judgement. But I just hop out and after seeing that they don’t need witnesses (the owner of the other car has already come out in bewilderment), I walk up to my bank.

And they closed at 3pm. It is now 3:18pm.

So I have to walk immediately BACK by the accident, where now the SUV kid is awkwardly apologizing to the car owner, and I shamefully get in my car and drive right back to my house.

I later told my friend that I felt like the only thing I did that day - was wreck someone else’s day.

Sigh.

Now THIS week, I've had computer issues. Both on my personal and work laptop. Which messes up my entire life because if I'm not doing work stuff, I'm doing school stuff and I feel paralyzed without computers. So I've literally switched between the two so when one temporarily breaks again, I run to the other and try to finish something else until that one temporarily breaks, and so on.

Now don't you feel better about your sanity?

So I end up having to use BOTH those computers to try to submit a paper before midnight last night.

THEN MY SCHOOL EMAIL SYSTEM BREAKS. Ya can't make this stuff up....

Side note: I ended up GOOGLING my professor, hoping to find an email address for him since I don't remember what his is and now can't get into my school inbox to find out. I send my paper to the email I find for him. Then I wake up today and resend it using my school's email, which is now working (of course!). I write an explanation and something like "I sent this last night to your other email, I promise!" To which he replied:

I BELIEVE YOU.

Ha! I guess my panic translated virtually, because that came across kinda like "DON'T JUMP. IT'S OK."

Anyway, so I take my laptop to get fixed on my lunch break today. And as I'm looking for a parking spot, I notice two different cars backing out of their spots.

And they back right into eachother.

So now I'm afraid my weird disaster karma just caused that...and I park. Then I look up - and see a random Winnebago across the lot and two dread-locked hippie-looking guys reencting the collision for eachother.

That is strange in Alexandria, VA.

So I get out, and they make a bee line for me for some reason. So I'm like "hey, that sucked right?" making small talk about the accident we all just saw. Because I figure guys living in Winnebagos are cool like that and you can just act like ya'll are friends from way back...

And one's all "yeah, right? Hey, could I play you a song on my guitar for a couple bucks? My camper just died and we need $16 to fix it."

You know what, sure buddy. Why WOULDN'T I be approached like this in the parking lot of a Best Buy? So I tell him I sadly don't have time to listen to a song, though I'm sure it's beautiful, but I gave him a few bucks anyway.

So the other guy jumps in, apparently concerned I get SOMETHING to make up for the lack of song. And he pulls out a wad of STUFF and says:

"Here! Take this lucky SHARK'S TOOTH! We got these in Florida!"

Wow.

So I did.

I now have a tiny, brownish triangle shaped petrified tooth thing in my purse. And if it really does bring me good luck, it was probably worth a whole lot more than a couple bucks. I probably should've just bought those guys a brand new camper....

What's with Today, today?

So, obviously I love this quote, since it's my tagline. And for those of you who have not seen the movie Empire Records, it's from a scene where one of the characters asks another, "what's WITH you today??" and he replied (in a dreamy/stoner "higher level of thinking" sort of way) "what's with TODAY, today?..." Which makes me laugh and it fits perfectly with my life because I so often get caught in the throws of Murphy's Law and think "what is HAPPENING to me today??"

Like yesterday!

I was working from home and planned to attend a large meeting at a fancy hotel nearby at 4:00pm. But, per usual, I'm trying to answer one more email and take one more call before heading out. And I'm hungry, and I'm in my weekly race with my groceries where I have to eat meals like - a cup of milk, a bottle of acai juice, something involving bread, and a zuchini, before all those things spoil simulataneously.

Yesterday's concerning food items were my sweet potatoes.

So I'm "baking" (microwaving) one to throw brown sugar on and eat on the way, and I'm still on a call, still on my email, and someone tells me they want to have a call with me at 4:30.

Fine. I'll go into my meeting, then slip out and take the call.

Then I realize it's 10 minutes until 4:00. And the evening proceeds roughly as follows:

3:50: I'm driving too fast WHILE EATING A SWEET POTATO, and trying to stay cool with Air Conditioning because I do NOT want to have to wash this dress after wearing it for just a couple hours. And I have to find the hotel. And I can't find it. Then I do find it, find parking, and get out to pay the meter.

4:06: my wallet vomits coins all inside my purse.

Backstory: the day before yesterday, I was cleaning out a purse and found a TON of change in the bottom, so I put it in my wallet, FORCE the wallet closed, and plan to move it to the change pouch I have in my car. And I think to myself "this is totally a bad plan and this thing is going to burst open and dump in my OTHER purse"...

Sigh.

4:07 I pay the meter, start sweating (No! My Dress!!!) and walk back down the mound of dirt around one of the trees lining the sidewalk, towards my car.

4:08 I fall down that mound of dirt.

Slide down it really, it was pretty much in slow motion - you know, so the maximum amount of people around could catch the sight.

4:09 I get up, stifle laughter, grab my stuff and head towards the hotel. And I look down just to make sure my dress hasn't like popped open or something in the fall.

And it IS untied.

But nothing drastic, I'm still half-way presentable, and I still have faith it will make it another wear before washing. So I re-tie and enter the hotel.

4:13 I see a registration table for an event. And before I reach the table, I'm already loudly asking "Is this for [name of event]?" and the lady WHISPERS! that it is.

Oooooh. The door beside that table leads to the event.

And it's open.

4:20 Dana just now walks into her 4:00 event...after possibly announcing her own presence.

4:21 I sit, try not to make too much noise, bend down to change out of my "walking flip flops" into my heels -

and see dirt all over the side of my foot.

Craaaaap. I had looked at my dress but forget to check my skin after that fall.

Thankfully, dirt was not covering my entire leg, like I then assumed it was. And I think, again, "it's ok, I'm STILL half-way presentable, it's fine." And I proceed to pay attention to the meeting -- except every few minutes I have to stifle laughter again because I get an image of myself falling down that stupid dirt mound.

And then I get an email that my 4:30 call is now at 6:30. Excellent! Now I don't have to walk right back out- the day is looking up!

6:00 The event ends, and I go up to talk to a senior manager, then I hit the restroom, where I glance at the mirror:

And it looks like I have a faint black eye.

Apparently, in my haste to put on eye shadow, I didn't realize some of it had fallen under my eye. Lovely, now my manager thinks I've recently been in a fist fight. Forget it! I'm going to Target....

6:30 I call my 4:30 call in the parking lot of Target - and get a voicemail.

6:31 I go IN Target, because I need something.

6:35 somewhere in the Sports Bras, my 4:30 call -calls.

'Oh HI! Sure, this is still a great time to talk! There are definitely not people shopping for bras next to me...'

And the call goes fine, the lady never actually realizes I'm in Target, and all is well. And I stop to get gas on my way home.

And the gas tank doesn't work.

So I'm sweating again, and pull into another tank, get out, and get gas.

7:06 I realize - this dress is SO going in the wash....

7:15 I finally get home and decide to replace the belt on my vacuum. Then I burn the new belt immediately. Then put another one on...

And start to suck up a TENNIS. SHOE.

The vacuum grabbed the lace and started trying to EAT IT, then started SMOKING before I could even hit the Off button. Which left my apartment smelling like burnt rubber, and left me wondering:

What was WITH today??