Sunday, August 3, 2014

Anatomy of a Run

Ever since my surgery in May, I've struggled getting back into running. I can barely go any distance and while I've always been slow, I feel even slower now. Plus I've developed some weird angry calf muscle thing in my left leg -- can anyone tell me how to make that go away?? Anyway, sometimes to pass the time, I step outside of myself and view what my run entails...while I'm running. Because that's the kind of craziness that starts happening in your brain when you are running. I'm sure there are plenty of similar posts out there about this but since I'm bored, I figured I'd write down what often makes up my runs. Feel free to read while I go attack my calf with The Stick again....

Pictured above: A not very good depiction of Dana's Running Trail
For a rough estimate of where each item occurs in my run, refer to the map above. This is kind of what my trail looks like but if I showed my actual trail, you might try to find me and see how slow I really am and I can't have that happen, Internet. We just don't know each other that well yet.

Dana's Typical Run: 
  1. Where Beyonce starts to sing to me and I start my run.
  2. Where I pass a man on a bike who leers at me and I make a face and run faster
  3. Where I quickly slow down again because I'm only a half mile in and I already want to stop.
  4. The place where I check to see how fast I'm running and then get angry and sad.
  5. THANK THE LORD, I've at least done one mile. I wonder if I can take a walk break now.
  6. Where Harlem Shake comes on and I have to resist the urge to stop and do The Bernie         

  7. Where I adjust my clothes
  8. Where I adjust my arm band
  9. Where I pass a ridiculously ripped girl wearing only a sports bra and a pair of shorts she clearly stole from a 4-year-old. I smile. She doesn't. I hate her and want to be her simultaneously.
  10. The place where I giggle because the man running the other way is doing the Phoebe run and doesn't know it. 
  11. The general area where I've seen: a man nearly drive into the river, a man walking his 5-foot long pet snake, and a lady roller-blading with a cocker spaniel on her shoulders. Which is not far from the general area where I once tripped over nothing and skinned my leg from my knee to my ankle. I'm on high alert in these areas.  
  12. Where I adjust my clothes
  13. Where I adjust my arm band
  14. Where I try to look like a good runner because cars can see me
  15. The area where cars can no longer see me and I resume looking like a turtle jogging through peanut butter
  16. Where I'm so tired that when I pass another runner the only thing I can do in acknowledgement is nod imperceptibly. 
  17. Where another runner passes me and bares his teeth like a Doberman. Yes sir, I understand you are attempting to smile and physically can't right now. I see your grimace and raise you an eye blink that is supposed to be a head nod in acknowledgement of your existence
  18. The place where I make an audible grunting noise in protest of this whole running thing
  19. Where I freeze and glance around, wondering how loud that grunt was since I'm wearing my headphones. 
  20. The spot where I lose all sense of pride and start to bob my head and mouth the words to a Kanye West song to distract me from running.  
  21. Where I adjust my clothes
  22. Where I adjust my arm band
  23. Where I finally hit a place where I'm close enough to my house that I'll let myself walk guilt-free the rest of the way. 
  24. Where a cute runner passes me and I get to pretend that- "Yeah bro, I just finished my run and I was super fast and awesome at it so we really are kindred running spirits!" I am able to move my face muscles again and actually smile at him. He is fast and makes me wonder why I ever try to run. 
  25. Where I get back to my house, sweaty and dejected, and then Tim Tebow tells me I did a good job through my Nike+ app. So naturally I immediately start planning my run tomorrow.  


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