Things You Didn't Care to Know About Me This Past Week (but gosh darnit, you're going to hear them anyway)

-I did finally make it back to Fitness Boot Camp and the next day, my body felt like it was painfully turning to stone. We had done sit ups combined with shoulder presses with weights at one point, and since the extent of my normal workout of core plus arms usually consists of holding myself upright in my office chair while putting a coffee cup to my mouth, this was a shock to my system. So the next day, I felt like I was walking in a weird hunched over yet forward-propelling stance all day. Very attractive.

-I also wore makeup that is too dark for my now winter-pasty face but I didn't realize this until it was too late, causing me to look like a very determined hunchbacked Oompa Loompa.

-Then, as I was trudging through my office, I caught a glimpse of some conference room chairs that had a 1960's pattern and I instantly got "Sunshine Day!" from the Brady Brunch stuck in my head.

-So now I'm slouched over, purple-faced and possibly swaying unconsciencely to "everybody's smiling! sunshine DAAA-AAY!..."

-To make me feel even more insane, I kept running into people at my office who look like famous people to me. It always throws me off when I pass them in the halls. One guy looks like the flamboyant reporter from Ugly Betty:

One looks (and acts) like a snotty Lindsay Lohan, and one looks like:

Joel Osteen.


So now, I'm walking through the halls, viewing myself as a swaying, hunched-over yet determined Ooompa-loompa

and I get bombarded with either this:

this:

 or this:

And no one is in my head to appreciate it. Sigh.

The week also held other unfortunate incidents. One day, I wore a shirt that was apparently transparent but I didn't realize that until after I was at work (to which my friend offered: "well, it's not terrible, but next time maybe wear a prettier bra-?"

Thanks.

Another day, I get to the office and realize I have cat hair covering my pants, so I end up having to slap scotch tape repeatedly over the length of both my legs while trying to hold conversations about which Congressman are attending the Summit I'm planning. Very professional.

At some point during the week, I misplaced my driver's license.

And the BEST part was when I got back from a chilly 4.5 mile jog, tossed my house key into my front door so I could run down to my mailbox, and when I return:

No House Key In Sight.

I. Freak. Out.

I convince myself that in the 58 seconds it took for me to get my mail, someone ran into my apartment, grabbed my key, and was either waiting for me in my place or waiting to enter it later using the key.

I won't even tell you how long I stood there trying to figure this out, all the while continuing to peak out the door or open a closet really fast to "surprise" whoever might be in there. I was about to call a friend to come be with me in my meltdown when I realized my neurotic cat was still on her normal perch in the living room so surely no one had come in or she would've ran for cover, like usual.

Which meant the key HAD to be there.

I finally got a flash light and looked under my dishwasher - and sure enough, the key had hit my kitchen tile at precisely the right angle to slide directly under the worst possible thing in my apartment.

I also found old receipts, a tube of chap stick, and several cat toys under there though, so we're gunna call that a win and start fresh this week.

The End.